Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He passed out mid-signature
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
