Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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