Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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