i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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