Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
