She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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