So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
