So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
