look no pants
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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