M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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