God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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