If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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