So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
