why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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