Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
