we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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