he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
