I got chris browned last night
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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