So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
