$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
