thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
