I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
