And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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