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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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