It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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