i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
