guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize