It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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