I love black thongs
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i will never coherently bang her
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Randomize
