If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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