Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
