guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Two words: blizzard sex
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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