were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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