u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
