You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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