just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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