You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
