I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
