I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
