my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize