Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
