This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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