well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
