I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
