I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
