i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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