I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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