In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
