If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Randomize
