I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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