its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
