ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
