I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
