just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
