nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize