I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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