Are we in a gay sports bar?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
