Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
