I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
