just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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