BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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