dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
