Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
