Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
