I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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