I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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